| I hate having my picture taken but here’s one from earlier this month, a couple of days after my birthday. |
Here is the second part to the whole “the Church (and its people) let me down” posts.
As I wrote in the last post, I was seriously let down by the Church and its people. Because I thought the Christian thing to do was to help those in need… and I was abandoned by people during my time of need. I lost literally of hundreds of followers on X (formerly Twitter). Even after learning that the medication was making things worse and explaining it to people I cared about, many chose to walk away. But it ended up being a blessing because it brought in the new people who helped me get to where I am now
| . An |
I met the majority of “my girls” (the group of friends I now have) last year, providentially around the time my Catholic friends were saying their goodbyes (or simply ghosting me). They helped me stay afloat during the last half of the year. While our group has diminished in size over the months as life happens and we continue to grow (or their children continue to grow and those who are mothers change their priorities along with them — which is beautiful to see!), the ones who’ve stuck around are the “ride or die” kind, as the kids say. Wait, are the kids still saying that? Anyway, even though we disagree on religious and political matters, we’re still there for each other when we need it. I firmly believe God brought them into my life when I felt abandoned by my Catholic friends (who were maybe 98% of my friends at that point) because He knew that I needed a community.
Do I miss having a Catholic community? Sure, but I also now know that I needed the mass exodus in order to not pigeon-hole myself in the “Catholics only” box, which I’d been unconsciously doing the last couple of years. I needed to have friends who disagreed with me and who challenged me to not put people on pedestals. Because that’s what I’d been doing since childhood. And I was constantly feeling let down as a result. But, again, I did that.
Then came along a certain Monsieur Dimples. Those who know who he is and/or how that started know why I’ve decided to not share more details outside a very small group of people. And it’s going to stay that way because this post isn’t about how he became Mom-approved future husband (my first nickname for him on social media) but very much about how he helped me get back to myself without meaning to.
During the time when I did most of my soul searching (when I finally starting feeling more like myself post-meds weaning), I was trying to figure out how to get back to how things were before the desolation* hit. Because that’s what I wanted — to get to how things were pre-desolation*. I hadn’t yet learned that I was in a new phase of my life and that I needed to change along with it. Even though I was feeling more like myself as days and weeks went by, I was still feeling lost and directionless. I didn’t have the tools or the people in my life that I had before the desolation. That’s when I became acquainted with Monsieur Dimples. I honestly didn’t think much about him… until I heard him speaking in such a sincere manner that I hadn’t heard from a man (in his position) before that it caught my attention. Listening to him talk about how important his family and friends are to him, how blessed he feels for things life has given him, how the hardships of life have come with bigger blessings… all of those things sparked something in me. Hope? Optimism? Inspiration? All of the above?
Though he is not Catholic (gasp! lol) he is, in many ways, more Benedictine than I am. Everyone who has met him has talked about what a sweetheart and a gentleman he is; how attentive and caring he is. He’s not afraid of doing the hard work towards something he wants to achieve. And, in his own way, he reminded me of all the good things I’m capable of doing and of who I am deep down. Everything positive I thought I’d lost about myself during the desolation — patience, selflessness (as much as my selfish being is capable of), warmth, love for others, gratitude, optimism, etc. — he has reminded me (and continues to remind me at the most random times) that I do have the ability to tap into those things, even if it seems like I’ve lost it forever. And, best of all, I didn’t put him on a pedestal after all of that. I still haven’t put him on one and I don’t think I ever will. Insert joke about how his tattoos have made him a little less “Mom-approved” and therefore can never be put on a pedestal as a result here.
The biggest surprise for me is that this lovely non-Catholic man helps remind me of why I’m Catholic — why I chose to stay even when I felt judged, unwanted, and unloved by its members. I honestly don’t know how he does it but sometimes I’ll be listening to him talking about something unrelated and it’ll trigger a memory or a moment of “and this is why I’ve chosen to be Catholic.” Again, he’s not Catholic but God uses him to give me reminders and also to give me little nudges to try harder in my spiritual life. I don’t question it but am grateful for those moments. And dude doesn’t even know he does it. lol.
Monsieur Dimples has the same effect that sister Elisabeth has always had on me in the almost two decades that I’ve known her — they both remind me of what I’m capable of without letting the perfectionism get the best of me. Because I’m very much a perfectionist and confessors have always said I’m too hard on myself. Both remind me that I’m loved as I am; that I’m capable of more than I give myself credit for and not in an egotistical manner. They remind me that I’m not in competition with anyone (which is sadly a pitfall to being on social media so much; we are constantly comparing our lives to those of others who share very careful curated content). And what’s so beautiful is that neither have purposefully done it — it’s simply the way they are and the way that they live life that continue to inspire me to be the best version of myself. And, again, neither are on pedestals.
And (as some of you know) I can always count on an adventure with Monsieur Dimples on days when life is too overwhelming and I need a break to let the silliness come out. It’s kept me mentally sane on stressful days and that has been such a blessing. I’m so grateful that God has used him to not only help me get back to myself but also learn things about myself that I hadn’t realized before; things that I know will help me in the long run.
I needed to mature. I needed to grow up (even at my age). I needed to let go of ideas of how things were supposed to be; how people were supposed to act. I had to learn to not rely on others to get me through difficult times and to rely solely on God which, again, I fail at doing but am trying to do. I honestly don’t feel like doing it most days because I want to control everything myself. I know that’s just part of the process of growing that I have to do, especially in my spiritual life.
I needed to be kicked down, to feel abandoned, to be feel like I was less than dirt, to feel unloved, to feel irredeemable, to feel like things could not get worse if only to be able to come out of it and see that those were all lies. And sometimes God allows for that to happen for our own good… which I firmly believe has happened to me. I don’t know how much more growing I have to do — and how many more hardships I’ll endure in the process — but if I can get through that (and 2020 as a whole with my health issues), I know I can get through anything… and God will not abandon me, even when I feel like He has.
Anyway, that’s it for now. I’m not sure when I’ll write again as I’m trying to write only when I feel like I have something someone might need to read.
I hope you are all well!
As always, thanks for reading and God bless!
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