Today is my *age redacted* birthday. So, happy new year to me. Last year was one of the craziest, most intense years I’ve had but one that I’m so grateful to have experienced. I lost friends but gained so many new ones who’ve added so much beauty to it. I went through a rough time with my health, but I’m currently in the best place I’ve been since probably my early 20s. I went through the worst, intense desolation that nearly saw me leave the Church and, while I’m not where I was pre-desolation, I’m in a better place now with a different outlook on things (for the better, in my opinion). And I have a lot to look forward to this new year as well!
What I’m grateful for:
My adrenal glands have completely healed! The 6-month mark post steroid (hydrocortisone) weaning showed that my little adrenal glands are now working properly on their own. I got to see my endocrinologist for the first time since she had me stop the meds last November and she said, “you look good!! So much better than when I last saw you.” And those were the comments across the board for the other doctors I saw this month for my follows up and annual visits. My natural color is back to normal. I’m back at my normal, healthy weight. And, thankfully, all of my blood work came back normal in the last draw. And I loved that I got the news within days of hearing that Bl. Carlo would be canonized.
For being humbled last year. Yes, you read that correctly. I had a lot of really tough lessons to learn, all of which I seemed to have gone through at the same time. While I’ve learned to do a lot of things for myself as someone with a permanent visual impairment, I’ve also learned not to feel like a failure or burden when I ask others for help with things I cannot do. As someone who has always been hyper-independent, this has been one of the hardest lessons that I’m still learning to this day.
For the people in my life. I’ll touch more on this a little later in this post but I’ll say that I’m so incredibly blessed by the people in my life. I saw so many decide to end their friendships with me but it’s become a blessing in hindsight. I wish no one ill but I can see why it was best for those to have run their course. I hope to take the lessons I learned from them and use them to become a better friend and person in general. I have so many incredible people in my life who have been with me through the lowest of my lows and refused to let me drown in the midst of it and I hope to be able to repay them with all the love and respect I can give them.
How things have changed in the last year:
My writing has gone in a new direction, hence the new blog. I’m sure some people will be disappointed with me (which is not new, especially after everything that happened last year) but it’s where I feel called and what I’m passionate about. And, yes, this means I’m going secular. I’ve been working on a screenplay for a couple of months now. That’s on top of my fourth novel. And that’s also why I created a Substack account… which I will eventually finish setting up. My current goal is to finish the screenplay and see what I do with it and with other scripts, with joining and being a part of the WGA (Writer’s Guild of America) being the long-term goal. And, yes, that’s why (if you were following me on social media last year you saw that) I was so heavily involved with/invested in both the WGA and SAG strikes last year. I have friends in both and I knew the WGA was a goal of mine so… you got to see me in action (sort of).
In some many ways, I’m starting over in almost all areas of my life and I’m re-discovering who I am without all the drama and health issues. Learning I’m actually an ENFJ and not an INFP like I always thought I’d been has eye-opening… and it makes my initial Sanguine-Melancholic test result make sense as well. Once you take away all the trauma, you get a (low) extrovert/ambivert version of who I’ve always been. I can almost feel all my elementary school teachers who wrote “talks too much in class” on my report cards pumping their fists in validation over this admission. Ha!
But, of course, I’m not going to pigeonhole myself into any personality type… nor with any other label. Because I was severely burned by that last year during my desolation. I guess the only one that will be stuck for life will be “Benedictine Oblate” because that as a life-long commitment I made but I see that as something separate from the types of labels I’m thinking about. Like, you know, “trad” or “woke” Catholic. Or someone who was passionate about certain topics and sticking only to those and the labels associated with them. I just… can’t with the labels. I used to think it would help me “find my tribe” but it became so stifling and it nearly resulted in me leaving the Church last year. When I no longer lived up to a certain image associated with certain labels, so many people decided to end their friendships with me as I struggled to stay afloat in (especially) faith matters. As I already mentioned in the previous blog post, my doctors agreed that the sudden and dramatic change was caused by the long-term use of the steroids having negative effects on my brain chemistry. Which I communicated to them about. But, like I said earlier, I now see why that ended up being a blessing in disguise. The most charitable thing I and the other people could’ve done was to let each other go in order to grow.
And that whole saga was also why I’ve also chosen to not keep my social feeds as strictly Catholic or strictly secular. There will be no extreme in one way or another, especially as I continue to grow and mature in all areas of my life. I know I’ll continue to share things about myself and things that I enjoy because I want to and not because I feel the pressure to project a certain image. Because I did that for so many years, putting so much pressure on myself to live up to it because that’s who I thought I was supposed to be, and then beating myself up over it when I failed to live up to those expectations. And, again, sooo many people were disappointed when I no longer lived up to that image and I hated it. And, on the flip side, I was hurt by and disappointed by people who I admittedly had on a pedestal because I saw they were false images I had of them that were simply untrue. It was such a painful yet beautiful lesson that was long overdue for me to learn because it finally helped me to see how flawed yet complexed and beautiful humanity is. And I hope it helps me become more empathetic and sympathetic and less selfish and self-centered.
What I look forward to the most:
Seeing where life takes me from here. I can’t wait to see what life has in store for me. I can’t wait to see how I will continue to change and grow. I hope and pray it’ll be for the better and that I can become the best version of myself… but I’ll also not beat myself up over anything if I don’t reach whatever ideal I have in my mind. Because I know where my idealistic and perfectionist tendencies can lead me and it’s never a good place. Thankfully, I have amazing people in my life who will keep me in check… and I know the right people who will further help me will enter whenever the time is right. I’m leaving it all up to God and just try to live my life as well as I can.
Anyway, here’s to another year of growth (even if it comes with sorrow and pain), of joy (and mischief, which too many of you encourage, lol), and of many more adventures with my favorite people.
