Getting My Life Back, Part Two of Two

I hate having my picture taken but here’s one from earlier this month, a couple of days after my birthday.

Here is the second part to the whole “the Church (and its people) let me down” posts.

As I wrote in the last post, I was seriously let down by the Church and its people. Because I thought the Christian thing to do was to help those in need… and I was abandoned by people during my time of need. I lost literally of hundreds of followers on X (formerly Twitter). Even after learning that the medication was making things worse and explaining it to people I cared about, many chose to walk away. But it ended up being a blessing because it brought in the new people who helped me get to where I am now

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I met the majority of “my girls” (the group of friends I now have) last year, providentially around the time my Catholic friends were saying their goodbyes (or simply ghosting me). They helped me stay afloat during the last half of the year. While our group has diminished in size over the months as life happens and we continue to grow (or their children continue to grow and those who are mothers change their priorities along with them — which is beautiful to see!), the ones who’ve stuck around are the “ride or die” kind, as the kids say. Wait, are the kids still saying that? Anyway, even though we disagree on religious and political matters, we’re still there for each other when we need it. I firmly believe God brought them into my life when I felt abandoned by my Catholic friends (who were maybe 98% of my friends at that point) because He knew that I needed a community. 

Do I miss having a Catholic community? Sure, but I also now know that I needed the mass exodus in order to not pigeon-hole myself in the “Catholics only” box, which I’d been unconsciously doing the last couple of years. I needed to have friends who disagreed with me and who challenged me to not put people on pedestals. Because that’s what I’d been doing since childhood. And I was constantly feeling let down as a result. But, again, I did that. 

Then came along a certain Monsieur Dimples. Those who know who he is and/or how that started know why I’ve decided to not share more details outside a very small group of people. And it’s going to stay that way because this post isn’t about how he became Mom-approved future husband (my first nickname for him on social media) but very much about how he helped me get back to myself without meaning to.

During the time when I did most of my soul searching (when I finally starting feeling more like myself post-meds weaning), I was trying to figure out how to get back to how things were before the desolation* hit. Because that’s what I wanted — to get to how things were pre-desolation*. I hadn’t yet learned that I was in a new phase of my life and that I needed to change along with it. Even though I was feeling more like myself as days and weeks went by, I was still feeling lost and directionless. I didn’t have the tools or the people in my life that I had before the desolation. That’s when I became acquainted with Monsieur Dimples. I honestly didn’t think much about him… until I heard him speaking in such a sincere manner that I hadn’t heard from a man (in his position) before that it caught my attention. Listening to him talk about how important his family and friends are to him, how blessed he feels for things life has given him, how the hardships of life have come with bigger blessings… all of those things sparked something in me. Hope? Optimism? Inspiration? All of the above? 

Though he is not Catholic (gasp! lol) he is, in many ways, more Benedictine than I am. Everyone who has met him has talked about what a sweetheart and a gentleman he is; how attentive and caring he is. He’s not afraid of doing the hard work towards something he wants to achieve. And, in his own way, he reminded me of all the good things I’m capable of doing and of who I am deep down. Everything positive I thought I’d lost about myself during the desolation — patience, selflessness (as much as my selfish being is capable of), warmth, love for others, gratitude, optimism, etc. — he has reminded me (and continues to remind me at the most random times) that I do have the ability to tap into those things, even if it seems like I’ve lost it forever. And, best of all, I didn’t put him on a pedestal after all of that. I still haven’t put him on one and I don’t think I ever will. Insert joke about how his tattoos have made him a little less “Mom-approved” and therefore can never be put on a pedestal as a result here.

The biggest surprise for me is that this lovely non-Catholic man helps remind me of why I’m Catholic — why I chose to stay even when I felt judged, unwanted, and unloved by its members. I honestly don’t know how he does it but sometimes I’ll be listening to him talking about something unrelated and it’ll trigger a memory or a moment of “and this is why I’ve chosen to be Catholic.” Again, he’s not Catholic but God uses him to give me reminders and also to give me little nudges to try harder in my spiritual life. I don’t question it but am grateful for those moments. And dude doesn’t even know he does it. lol. 

Monsieur Dimples has the same effect that sister Elisabeth has always had on me in the almost two decades that I’ve known her — they both remind me of what I’m capable of without letting the perfectionism get the best of me. Because I’m very much a perfectionist and confessors have always said I’m too hard on myself. Both remind me that I’m loved as I am; that I’m capable of more than I give myself credit for and not in an egotistical manner. They remind me that I’m not in competition with anyone (which is sadly a pitfall to being on social media so much; we are constantly comparing our lives to those of others who share very careful curated content). And what’s so beautiful is that neither have purposefully done it — it’s simply the way they are and the way that they live life that continue to inspire me to be the best version of myself. And, again, neither are on pedestals.

And (as some of you know) I can always count on an adventure with Monsieur Dimples on days when life is too overwhelming and I need a break to let the silliness come out. It’s kept me mentally sane on stressful days and that has been such a blessing. I’m so grateful that God has used him to not only help me get back to myself but also learn things about myself that I hadn’t realized before; things that I know will help me in the long run.

I needed to mature. I needed to grow up (even at my age). I needed to let go of ideas of how things were supposed to be; how people were supposed to act. I had to learn to not rely on others to get me through difficult times and to rely solely on God which, again, I fail at doing but am trying to do. I honestly don’t feel like doing it most days because I want to control everything myself. I know that’s just part of the process of growing that I have to do, especially in my spiritual life. 

I needed to be kicked down, to feel abandoned, to be feel like I was less than dirt, to feel unloved, to feel irredeemable, to feel like things could not get worse if only to be able to come out of it and see that those were all lies. And sometimes God allows for that to happen for our own good… which I firmly believe has happened to me. I don’t know how much more growing I have to do — and how many more hardships I’ll endure in the process — but if I can get through that (and 2020 as a whole with my health issues), I know I can get through anything… and God will not abandon me, even when I feel like He has.

Anyway, that’s it for now. I’m not sure when I’ll write again as I’m trying to write only when I feel like I have something someone might need to read.

I hope you are all well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

The Church (and Its People) Really Let Me Down, Part One

 No, that is not a clickbait title. I’m serious. The Church (and its people) let me down… and it was exactly what I needed. This is part one of two.

This weekend I finished reading Arise from Darkness by Fr. Benedict Groeschel CFR and the timing could not have been better. It had been sitting on my bedside table for almost 2 years but I never touched it because it didn’t seem like the right time. But late last week, I vowed to finally read and finish it and, yep, things definitely happen when they’re supposed to.

As I’ve written before, I’m still slowly getting back to myself after that medication-induced desolation*. And desolation has an asterisk because I don’t think it was technically desolation since medication exacerbated the spiritual dryness I already had. Or maybe it was desolation and the medication just made things worse. Either way, my brain chemistry (and, really, my entire system/body) is still recovering from 3+ years of steroid use for the adrenal insufficiency so I’m not going to beat myself over the fact that my spiritual life is still the worst since my reversion in 2006. But the book by Fr. Groeschel helped me realize a couple of things, with the big one being that everything that happened needed to happen to help me grow.

I know some of you will remember those tweets in which I would talk about feeling let down and angry over the mass exodus of people when I started not acting like myself and not wanting to do anything with the Church. It was intense and I needed my Catholic friends to help me through with it and I was met with crickets and goodbyes. People who others were/are constantly saying how holy they are and what an excellent example of Catholicism they were? They were the first to bail or kick me even harder when I was already down. Priest friends? Silent. I felt so abandoned and consequently angry because I’d always thought that we never abandoned people when they were in need… and I was definitely in need and I felt like no one gave am *expletive* on my worst days. It got to the point where I thought I would leave the Church, though I continued to fight that on my own because I knew, deep down, the thoughts and feelings weren’t me at my core.

I needed people. At the very least, I needed prayers during the peak of it last summer. I had developed an aversion to all things Catholic. I didn’t want to pray (though I still forced myself to go through the bare minimum asked of me as a Benedictine oblate). I haven’t been to a Mass in years at this point, partially because I spent a good last year and a half mostly in bed and then because of the transportation issues (it’s over $50 round trip to our parish… and it’s actually not that far). At one point, I couldn’t even look at the crucifix without feeling a physical aversion to it. My body actually felt like it was physically rejecting the mere sight of it, and that scared me. I later found out that was my body on steroids when it no longer needed them messing with my brain chemistry. I had too much medication in my body (and the doctors didn’t take me off of it until November despite the symptoms beginning in March-April). It affected my mood and mental state. Still, at that time, I was just in deep need of a community of faithful… and I was let down.

That’s not to say that everyone left. My oblate sister (sister Elisabeth Obl.OSB) checked in on me and was one of the few people who took literal hours out of their day to talk to me about what I was feeling and thinking. She was a light during that darkness and I’ll never be able to repay her for it. I also had my bestie (Charmaine) with whom I would watch new episodes of the second season of The Summer I Turned Pretty every Friday. She didn’t bring up what I was feeling but she made sure I knew I had at least one person checking in on me and making sure I had a distraction on the worst days. I honestly don’t think I would’ve survived last year without them or friends who would send me “praying for you” messages on occasion over the months. So, I wasn’t completely abandoned but it sure felt like it at the time and it was the worst as someone who sees community and friendship as two of the most important things in life.

I wish I had read Fr. Groeschel’s book during that time though, honestly, I don’t think it would’ve helped much because of the mental state I was in. In the book, he talks about feeling abandoned or let down by the church, clergy, people, when dealing with sickness and death, etc. And it was the last piece in my healing journey puzzle because it emphasized how what we go through is nothing Christ didn’t experience himself.

Friends abandoning someone when they needed them the most? There’s no better exactly of it than of the story of Jesus, who saw St. Peter (who swore to always be with him) deny him and his followers leave. And I don’t know why I never thought about it or why no one ever brought it up but this made what I went through seem doable, if that makes any sense. And it also reminded me that I had the biggest portion of blame in what happened. 

Even before I read this book, I had done some deep soul searching and I saw that I had inflicted the majority of that pain on myself. I’m going to quote Conrad Fisher (my favorite character in the Summer trilogy and the one I say I identify the most with) because it’s almost exactly what I thought:

“All of the love and pride I had in him [his father], it turned into hate. And I started to hate myself, who he’d made… From there on I set out to destroy the picture of me he has in his head… I quit it all to spite him. Anything that made him proud of me, I took away. It took me a long time to figure it out. That I was the one who had put my dad on that pedestal. I did that, not him. And then I despised him for not being perfect. For being human.” (We’ll Always Have Summer, ch. 35)

Substitute “him” and “my dad” for “the Church” and “Catholics in my life” and I could’ve easily said it. In fact, I did. When I had the lightbulb finally turn on, this exact quote popped into my mind. I did that. I put those people (and those priests and religious) on that pedestal. I was the one who believed that they were so holy that they would be saints and help me through my most difficult times. I did that. And I was let down because I failed to recognize their humanity. “I did that.”

And that helped me start to heal from the lingering hurt that is there. Because there is still a lot of hurt there. Hurt that the person I counted on to be there for me, guiding me out of this spiritually barren place. wasn’t there; a hurt my mother shares with me. Hurt that the person I thought knew me best and had my back ended up making me feel like I was a scum that didn’t deserve to be called Catholic and made me feel like everything that made me me was either wrong, unholy, or unlovable. Never had another human being made me feel like I was irredeemable, unloved, and unholy like this person. And I’m still working on letting go of that hurt (and I do pray a prayer of forgiveness for them) but also have to forgive myself for thinking that mere human beings were going to help me instead of relying on God. To this day, I’m still struggling with the latter but I hope to get to a better place with time. 

And it was a non-Catholic — a certain person I’ve nicknamed Monsieur Dimples on social media — who actually helped (and is still helping) me get back to myself and has helped me get back on track with my faith. But that’s for the next post (which I’m scheduling to post tomorrow) because this one is too long now. 

Anyway, just wanted to share this in case anyone is going through the same thing. It’s hard. Some days seem impossible. You just want to throw in the towel; jump ship from the Church and isolate yourself… and I’m glad that I didn’t do it (as much as I wanted to… and I really did) and that God brought a lot of good out of it. 

Keep your peepers out for part two tomorrow. 

I hope you are all well.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 

Today is My Birthday

Today is my *age redacted* birthday. So, happy new year to me. Last year was one of the craziest, most intense years I’ve had but one that I’m so grateful to have experienced. I lost friends but gained so many new ones who’ve added so much beauty to it. I went through a rough time with my health, but I’m currently in the best place I’ve been since probably my early 20s. I went through the worst, intense desolation that nearly saw me leave the Church and, while I’m not where I was pre-desolation, I’m in a better place now with a different outlook on things (for the better, in my opinion). And I have a lot to look forward to this new year as well!

What I’m grateful for: 

My adrenal glands have completely healed! The 6-month mark post steroid (hydrocortisone) weaning showed that my little adrenal glands are now working properly on their own. I got to see my endocrinologist for the first time since she had me stop the meds last November and she said, “you look good!! So much better than when I last saw you.” And those were the comments across the board for the other doctors I saw this month for my follows up and annual visits. My natural color is back to normal. I’m back at my normal, healthy weight. And, thankfully, all of my blood work came back normal in the last draw. And I loved that I got the news within days of hearing that Bl. Carlo would be canonized.

For being humbled last year. Yes, you read that correctly. I had a lot of really tough lessons to learn, all of which I seemed to have gone through at the same time. While I’ve learned to do a lot of things for myself as someone with a permanent visual impairment, I’ve also learned not to feel like a failure or burden when I ask others for help with things I cannot do. As someone who has always been hyper-independent, this has been one of the hardest lessons that I’m still learning to this day.

For the people in my life. I’ll touch more on this a little later in this post but I’ll say that I’m so incredibly blessed by the people in my life. I saw so many decide to end their friendships with me but it’s become a blessing in hindsight. I wish no one ill but I can see why it was best for those to have run their course. I hope to take the lessons I learned from them and use them to become a better friend and person in general. I have so many incredible people in my life who have been with me through the lowest of my lows and refused to let me drown in the midst of it and I hope to be able to repay them with all the love and respect I can give them. 

How things have changed in the last year:

My writing has gone in a new direction, hence the new blog. I’m sure some people will be disappointed with me (which is not new, especially after everything that happened last year) but it’s where I feel called and what I’m passionate about. And, yes, this means I’m going secular. I’ve been working on a screenplay for a couple of months now. That’s on top of my fourth novel. And that’s also why I created a Substack account… which I will eventually finish setting up. My current goal is to finish the screenplay and see what I do with it and with other scripts, with joining and being a part of the WGA (Writer’s Guild of America) being the long-term goal. And, yes, that’s why (if you were following me on social media last year you saw that) I was so heavily involved with/invested in both the WGA and SAG strikes last year. I have friends in both and I knew the WGA was a goal of mine so… you got to see me in action (sort of).

In some many ways, I’m starting over in almost all areas of my life and I’m re-discovering who I am without all the drama and health issues. Learning I’m actually an ENFJ and not an INFP like I always thought I’d been has eye-opening… and it makes my initial Sanguine-Melancholic test result make sense as well. Once you take away all the trauma, you get a (low) extrovert/ambivert version of who I’ve always been. I can almost feel all my elementary school teachers who wrote “talks too much in class” on my report cards pumping their fists in validation over this admission. Ha!

But, of course, I’m not going to pigeonhole myself into any personality type… nor with any other label. Because I was severely burned by that last year during my desolation. I guess the only one that will be stuck for life will be “Benedictine Oblate” because that as a life-long commitment I made but I see that as something separate from the types of labels I’m thinking about. Like, you know, “trad” or “woke” Catholic. Or someone who was passionate about certain topics and sticking only to those and the labels associated with them. I just… can’t with the labels. I used to think it would help me “find my tribe” but it became so stifling and it nearly resulted in me leaving the Church last year. When I no longer lived up to a certain image associated with certain labels, so many people decided to end their friendships with me as I struggled to stay afloat in (especially) faith matters. As I already mentioned in the previous blog post, my doctors agreed that the sudden and dramatic change was caused by the long-term use of the steroids having negative effects on my brain chemistry. Which I communicated to them about. But, like I said earlier, I now see why that ended up being a blessing in disguise. The most charitable thing I and the other people could’ve done was to let each other go in order to grow.  

And that whole saga was also why I’ve also chosen to not keep my social feeds as strictly Catholic or strictly secular. There will be no extreme in one way or another, especially as I continue to grow and mature in all areas of my life. I know I’ll continue to share things about myself and things that I enjoy because I want to and not because I feel the pressure to project a certain image. Because I did that for so many years, putting so much pressure on myself to live up to it because that’s who I thought I was supposed to be, and then beating myself up over it when I failed to live up to those expectations. And, again, sooo many people were disappointed when I no longer lived up to that image and I hated it. And, on the flip side, I was hurt by and disappointed by people who I admittedly had on a pedestal because I saw they were false images I had of them that were simply untrue. It was such a painful yet beautiful lesson that was long overdue for me to learn because it finally helped me to see how flawed yet complexed and beautiful humanity is. And I hope it helps me become more empathetic and sympathetic and less selfish and self-centered.

What I look forward to the most:

Seeing where life takes me from here. I can’t wait to see what life has in store for me. I can’t wait to see how I will continue to change and grow. I hope and pray it’ll be for the better and that I can become the best version of myself… but I’ll also not beat myself up over anything if I don’t reach whatever ideal I have in my mind. Because I know where my idealistic and perfectionist tendencies can lead me and it’s never a good place. Thankfully, I have amazing people in my life who will keep me in check… and I know the right people who will further help me will enter whenever the time is right. I’m leaving it all up to God and just try to live my life as well as I can.

Anyway, here’s to another year of growth (even if it comes with sorrow and pain), of joy (and mischief, which too many of you encourage, lol), and of many more adventures with my favorite people. 

A new beginning

 I had originally planned on starting this new blog (and a substack for other reasons I will share soon enough) earlier this month but life happened so now I’m beginning it today. And while I had originally intentionally started these things on a significant day for me, this one is different. There is nothing associated with this day except the 2 week mark from my birthday.

So, why a new blog and why not continue on Journey of a Catholic Nerd Writer? Because I feel like that era of my life is over. That’s not to say I’m no longer Catholic. I am. But I feel like that part of my life is over. I’m no longer the young woman who started that blog; who talked about college and vocation discernments and random things. While I’m still a woman who loves the same things — jazz music, flowers, books, etc. — I’m in a different place in my life.

It took a nearly year-long spiritual desolation and some unexpected but beautiful changes in my life to get me where I am. I’m truly happy where I am in my life right now. I love the friends I have. I’m trying to figure out where my life will be going in terms of what I do from day to day but things are slowly falling into place. After 4 years of vocation discernment, I feel like I’ve figured out what it truly is (and it isn’t what I’d been discerning for the last 4 years) and I’m so at peace and happy with where I am with that.

While I’m still tripping while trying to get my spiritual life back on track after that incredibly difficult desolation that nearly saw me leave the Church — and I‘ll talk about this in the near future — I’m so grateful for it because it gave me the courage to be true to myself and to cut out some of the toxic negativity that was weighing me down and adding to the desolation. It was truly a gift in disguise.

I know a lot of people jumped ship on following me on social media and/or reading my former blog because of how much the hydrocortisone I once took for an adrenal insufficiency affected my brain chemistry and thus affected how I was acting but that’s okay. I’m not here to be anyone’s dancing monkey. I’m here to be myself and express that through the written word. And I think y’all can agree that I’ve pretty much return to myself — except a more extroverted version of myself. (Side note: thank you to a friend for helping me see that I’m actually an extrovert but one with trauma that made me retreat into myself and made it seem like I was an introvert. Yes, I’ll talk about this at some point as well.)

Why “roseate felicity”? Because it feels like me. Rose-colored optimism and happiness. And it’s been my IG handle for a year and a half so… it’s not new. 

Why not continue the old blog? Again, because I’m not the same person who started it. Additionally, I won’t be talking solely about Catholicism or my spiritual life, especially as I’m still trying to get back to that. It’s like I’m starting from zero in that area of my life. So this blog is to update friends and whoever wants to read these posts on what’s going on. Because I know I’m posting and sharing less online and sometimes friends will get upset when they find something out months after it happens. So, yeah, this is basically going to be a journal. Just on a public platform.

If I started this blog, why the Substack? Because I have some projects in mind that will require it. I won’t have it as a paid subscription thing. I might end up releasing part of novel four on it with a minimal fee to read it months before it gets published but I’m still trying to figure out if I’d be comfortable doing it.

So, this is a fresh start.. during spring. It feels like the right time to “come back” to my writing roots. 

And, yes, the blog will be “under construction” while I update it. Because I won’t be able to customize it as quickly as I did before my visual impairment. Legally blind girl problems. 😂

Anyway, I hope you are all well. And, yes, I promise to update y’all more often. I don’t need more scoldings about how my cryptic and vague tweets are confusing everyone.